Help vs. Control

There are a lot of opinions of how to help someone when they need some help. Some will say you look at a situation and you do what in your wisdom needs to be done, others will say that you should ask the person in need of help and do only what they ask for, and many others will find a middle ground between those two ends of the spectrum. I remember my mom saying that she knew of a woman who was not able to vacuum her floors and when people offered to vacuum for her she said yes, and then instructed them that they must vacuum each area 5 times before going on to the next area of carpet. The question then asked is "are you helping if you only do it three times? Must you do it five times to be helpful? Is it appropriate to explain to her that, in your opinion, three times in enough to get all the dirt out"? Or do you just avoid doing this particular thing to help her so that there is no argument?

There have been a few times in my life when I have had to accept help. Twice I have been on bed rest and after the twins were born I had an emergency surgery. This gave us the opportunity to be helped by a lot of people. Some people brought in meals, others helped with taking care of the babies or older kids, a few friend even came over and did house cleaning. I learned pretty quickly that I had to be flexible about how they did things. I tried to also be open to suggestions they gave even if they went against my personal opinions. I found it was much easier for me to accept help from those who were open to direction or input. I found the help was also better for my family's benefit if those helping listened to my concerns and suggestions for effectiveness.

I have found when I am helping others that there are times that I am tempted to just jump in and do it my way, regardless of how they feel about it. I have learned that while this may be less work for me in the long run, or a safer route, that it breaks the trust and disrespects the person(s) you are trying to help. I remember at one point I was helping someone who was a hoarder. She kept everything. She also did not clean very much. Her house was not what most of us would have felt comfortable in. After I visited her in her home I would have to go home and take a shower and change clothes because the stench was so bad. When I was helping her do a "little cleaning" I asked her if I could throw certain things away (old newspapers, used litter boxes, empty food cans, etc) and she would inevitably say no. After some time I started throwing away items without asking anymore. I realized after the fact that I was making her decisions for her and that she would not be able to grow in the way she needed by me forcing this change. Unfortunately I realized that I had been caught up in controlling her instead of helping her like I had intended. There are other times that I have slipped into the controlling mode. It is something that with my children I have to be very careful of because it can come so easily in this relationship, but it will not help them learn what they need to.

I think that there is no right answer that will fit all possibilities when given the opportunity to help. Some guidelines I use in helping are these:

• Is it within my limitations?
• Will it bring comfort to the person I am serving?
• Is it what they are asking for?
• If I see an inconsistency between what they are asking and what appears to be needed, have I communicated that to them in a polite, respectful way?

In support of Stacey

Recently I decided to cut my hair in support of my wonderful sister-in-law Stacey. She is such a good example to me. I am inspired when I go in her home and I have learned to take a few of the things she does well and apply them into my life. She is also such a wonderful match for my brother.

A few months ago she was diagnosed with breast cancer. She has undergone a double mastectomy and has started chemo (all just days after she ran her first marathon). Two weeks ago she decided to cut her hair (he doctor suggested she just go ahead and do it, instead of waiting for her hair to fall out). This last week her husband shaved his bald and they sent me a picture.

I had been wondering what I could do to support them. Cutting my hair did not come immediately to my mind. I had finally had it the length I had been working towards for a long time. When the idea came to me, it came in the same way many other good ideas had. I had just a sweet peaceful feeling that I knew that was what I should do. I was intensely happy. I recognize this as the spirit of God in my life and felt like this is what I should do.

I called my husband and discussed it with him. He got hit out of left field by it. He had not thought of it at all. He recognized how I felt and he willingly supported me on it. He even helped me shave my head.

I still struggle with this. I know it shows her support, but I wish I could find some way to make her daily life easier.

Oh, and I have had a few people ask if it was hard. Yes, it was hard. I cried, my husband cried (I think) and a few of my children cried, but I felt like it was right and I have just had so much peace about it, I know it was right to do.

Lord De La Warr

In fourth grade I can remember going to the auditorium to watch a movie. This movie was about Jamestown and the settling of the East Coast colonies. As I sat and watched (as much as any fourth grader paid attention) I saw this man. This name is Thomas West. As soon as I saw him, I knew that we were related. I don't know if it was inspiration or childish vanity. I just knew that his last name was the same as my mother's maiden name and I felt like we were related.

I went home that day and told my mother about it. This man's formal name was Lord De La Warr. I remember my mother calling and talking to my Grandma West, although it could have had nothing to do with this movie or ancestor, but I imagined that she was calling to let Grandma West know that I had learned something for her about family history. The humorous thing about this particular time in my life was when we were living in Wilmington, Delaware.

I clipped a little for the caption of his pictures from Wikipedia below. After the Powhatans killed the colony's governor, Lord Ratcliffe, and attacked the colony in the first First Anglo-Powhatan War, Lord De La Warr headed the contingent of 150 men who landed in Jamestown, Virginia on June 10, 1610, just in time to persuade the original settlers not to give up and go home to England. As a veteran of English campaigns against the Irish, De La Warr employed "Irish tactics" against the Indians: troops raided villages, burned houses, torched cornfields, and stole provisions; these tactics, identical to those practiced by the Powhatan themselves, proved effective. He had been appointed governor-for-life (and captain-general) of Virginia, and he outfitted their three ships and recruited and equipped those men at his own expense. Leaving his deputy Sir Samuel Argall (circa 1580 – circa 1626) in charge, Lord De La Warr returned to England and published a book about Virginia, The Relation of the Right Honourable the Lord De-La-Warre, of the Colonie, Planted in Virginia, in 1611. He remained the nominal governor, and he had received complaints from the Virginia settlers about Argall's tyranny in governing them for him, so Lord De La Warr set sail for Virginia again in 1618, to investigate those charges. He died at sea,en route to Virginia, and it was thought for many years that he had been buried in the Azores or at sea.

Thomas West, 3rd and 12th Baron De La Warr (9 July 1577 – 7 June 1618) was the Englishman after whom the bay, the river, and, consequently, an American Indian people and U.S. state, all later called "Delaware", were named.

To sleep or not to sleep...

Doesn't this look cool? I always enjoy searching for pictures on-line. This baby cost $15,000. Although you have to admit it looks really cool. This is one of those things I'd get if money were no concern. Ah well, it is and so I am thankful to have a new mattress and box spring.

We got a "Beauty Rest" which is our attempt at upgrading. While we upgraded in quality, we down graded in size (to queen). We are having to get use to a firm bed (our last one was ultra saggy. I had to use pillows in bed with me at night to stabilize myself. Now the bed is so firm that I don't need pillows and am learning to sleep on my back. We are also adjusting to not having to climb out of the bed. It is a bit cozier than before but we seem to be adjusting to the smaller size just fine.

We may eventually decide to do a foam pad or the like to make the bed a bit softer, but we think we need to give it a week or so first. We had such a saggy bed for so long, we may have over-compensated. Unfortunately when I am in a frustrating situation for too long, then I have a tendency to over compensate (I know, I am human!). Jeff and I discussed this a bit before we decided on a bed and we felt that if it were too firm we could always do a topper, but if it were too soft, there was not a whole lot we could do to adjust it, so we decided to err on the side of caution.

bread and water...and that is it...

Well, this week this is what was on our menu. Well, that was what was on my husband's menu and he was tickled about it. This week was started out by Maggie and Rosi puking all night long. Andrew and JJ followed suit in the next couple of days. Jeff woke up Thursday not feeling well and decided to stay home (an unusual event in and of itself).

Jeff thankfully did not get it as bad as his children, he did however decide that bread and water were the most exotic foods his stomach could handle. Around noon time he joked with me that it was like being in jail. By that time we had improved to Ramen Noodles by then. He thought it was delicious. As for me, well I felt crumby too, but it could have been from being up with everyone, or a very mild (thankfully) case of it. All in all, we are back to feeling good and doing better.

Fun on the way home from the park

Why it is always good to have a camera with you. We got these fun shots on the way home from the park one day. The kids were exploring a neighbors front yard.