I can do it!!! Do what?

Sometimes I just don't know how to say what I am feeling in the way that it feels inside. I am going to try, but forgive if this comes out wrong or unclear. I just know that right now, it needs to come out.

So funny the different reactions that I get when people find out we are having twins. One of the most common is, "Well, if anyone can do it, I know you can". I know people are simply showing their support - and yes I will do it. But let's be honest, a lot of things I end up doing terrify me especially at the beginning. I suppose that is the way all of us are to some extent - assuming that we get ourselves up off the couch and involved in the world around us. But somedays I just feel like I am on a Merry-Go-Round of challenging things.

I finally answered someone last week when they said this to me, "Well, see it is not something I have a choice in whether or not I am having twins. Right now it is simply a fact. I see my choice in having a good attitude about it, so I will do that". It is not that I don't appreciate her confidence - she is a very nice person that I look up to in many ways.

I think where I get muddled down is that I don't feel that as a Mother I am any more amazing than the next woman. I am just trying to do what is best for my kids. Thank heavens for a husband who values that and supports me so much in that area. For me there came a time when was no longer a choice. You just do what your kids need you to do - no questions, just do. The part where the question comes in is whether I am going to have a good attitude about doing it.

I started off Motherhood with a not-so-good attitude. I think at first I thought my kids were suppose to fit around my schedule. Then about four years ago (when my kids were diagnosed with autism) I realized that my kid's needs had to be more focused in on by me than my own needs. I had to do the things that my kids needed so they could learn to talk, play, run, interact with others, cut with scissors, etc. So many things that children learn casually had to be consciously taught to my children. I had a lot of help during this time (my sister, SIL, and a few of the Blake clan) really helped support us in this. -Oh, and the Great State of Arizona and Gilbert Public Schools helped a lot too.

Here is the interesting thing to me, that as my kid's needs were being met, so were mine. I found a greater purpose and better calling as a mother. I "lost my self, only to find my (true) self". I have greater peace, understanding, and yes- patience. I have a stronger understanding of the purpose of our lives here, why Jesus was willing to come and sacrifice himself, and how God loves us all.

So will I do well with this? Yes, as best I can. Another blessing I have been given through past trials is recognition of when I need to "call in the troops". I have found that if I rely on help of others when I need it, I can go much further and stronger than without that occasional help. That is what we are here for right? To serve and to be served?

That doesn't mean that in the midst of a vote of confidence and compliments I don't want to still shrivel up inside and hide, but it does mean that I too have confidence that when the time comes, I will measure up and if not, I will ask for help. Just try to understand that right now and probably occasionally then, I don't feel all that capable and ready. But that is OK, because I am guessing that is normal. If it is not, please don't tell me.