Up the down staircase (or escalator)

I often get asked "How's it going with the twins and all (translate this to 'and four other children, you crazy nut!')?" I think I finally found a good response to it, "It is not as hard as I thought it would be, but it is still really hard". I hope this communicates the feeling that I am not breezing this, but at the same time it is not hopeless (many people have communicated their lack of confidence to me about themselves being able to be in this position and still maintain hope). Then this morning I had a rare instance of mental clarity accompanied by 2 and 1/2 minutes of nothing to coordianate, plan, or do. That was when this analogy clearly imprinted itself on my mind. "It is like trying to go up a down escalator".

The way this feels on an emotional or mental level and sometimes even on a physical one, is that I am trying to walk up a down escalator. The scenery is the same day to day...the motions that I go through as well. There is one task to accomplish (getting through the day with all family members intact)in this analogy, simply putting my feet on the next step. No matter how far I go one day, it will start all over again the next. It just seems no matter how hard I work or get done, seemingly overnight I am back at the beginning. I just don't seem to have the strength to actually make it to the top of the escalator. This is OK, because it is not expected, by me or anyone else, that I would actually make it to the top of that escalator for a few more months. The beautiful thing about this is that as long as I continue to put one foot in front of the other, I usually don't lose ground (until I fall asleep, and then are we really going to judge a person by losing ground when they sleep?). At times it can feel similar to a never ending march, but the reality is that after a few more months (hopefully!), I will be at the top of that escalator. Right now my goal is merely to keep walking everyday, to not give up. I knew this part would be hard, and I am not disappointed in that realistic expectation. Right now I am hoping that it will be a beautiful garden where I can lounge around and do nothing for the next several decades. I say that knowing that the reality is it may very well be an alligator pit. Of course that would lead to my mantra that I have shared with Jeff a few times during these difficult weeks, "When I am through with this I am going to find me a nice easy job, like wrestling alligators"!