Non-manners, is there such a thing?

To me it is interesting that as I have had to think about teaching my children manners, I have had to redefine them.  I use to think of Manners as having Good Manners, Bad Manners, and a third category - Non-Manners.  

Good Manners meant saying please and thank you, asking if you "May I have ..." instead of saying "Can I have...".  I had been taught that one reason Manners are suppose to be used is so that all know what to expect and all are respected.  When I became pregnant and I felt like my hips were falling apart, I began to appreciate people offering a lady their seat in a crowded room or bus.  I never would have known why this would be so beneficial until I was the one in the situation.

Bad Manners was being rude: burping (in USA), farting, not thanking someone or asking politely for something, no saying "please", dirty looks, ignoring others in obvious need, etc.

Then in my mind there was "Non-Manners".  This would be neither Good or Bad Manners.  So while you are not saying please and thank you, you are also not being rude or disrespectful.  This would be the category that I would place most people in basing this off of 5 years of waitressing (yes, I made this word up - I know I gave that disclaimer in my bio.) experience.

Then I started teaching my children about manners.  I heard myself using  phases like "Remember your Manners" and "Don't forget your Manners".  This is when a little voice in my head (that usually has an obscure sense of humor says, "Those are manners, just not good ones.")  So then I switched to reminding my children, "Please use your Good Manners".    That was when I came to the realization that if I am encouraging my children to develop Good Manners (which I take as a responsibility of Motherhood) than what I always classified as Non-Manners is really Bad Manners.  I mean can you hear my saying, "Don't forget your Non-Manners.  This is one of the things that made me realize that in our society we become so accepting of everyone (because we do not want to offend anyone) that we end up making specialized categories that don't really exist.  Non-Manners ask Emily Post about that one, I bet she has never heard of it.

So I guess Manners now goes into the Black and White category of my life.

PS  In our house the "Magic Word" is Abra-Cadabra.  And it gets you nothing unless you make a floating person under a sheet disappear.

Can you sit on a fence?

One of the things that you learn about children with Autism is that they are dreadfully honest.  This comes, I feel, from how they perceive things.  It is a black and white world to them.  They like order.  Everything fits into a nice category.  This is part of the reason why they line up cars - it gives the chaos order.  They simply know the rules and follow them.  In some ways this has been very nice as a mom.  They mind rules better than most.

They "call it like they see it" without regard to consideration of others feelings or perceptions.  My daughter would tell the other kids in kindergarten that they were breaking the rules.  She was not doing it to be self-righteous or to get other kids in trouble. She was merely stating a fact that she thought they should be aware of.  There is no judgement personally - my kids do not think ill of a person because they are not following the rules, other than recognition of them not following the rules.  Unfortunately, this did not help her make friends in kindergarten.

In many ways I share that trait with  my kids.  As I grew up and learned about the world, I learned what was right vs wrong and then stuck it in those categories in my mind.  I figured everyone made decisions like this.  I also assumed that if someone picked an option that was not the "one right" option  I knew, than they were wrong.  

When I did things that I knew to be wrong, I did it willingly and usually thoughtfully (sorry Mom and Dad).  I honestly thought everyone was that way.  Many times I would point out what was right or wrong based off of what people did.  It was motivated from a perspective of being helpful - they were not picking what I knew was right, so I pointed it out so they had the opportunity to make a better choice.  It was not until I was in my early twenties that I realized I alienated people by doing this.  To me, I was simply stating a fact, living what I knew to be right and what I should do.  I now realize that this is a fault of mine, not the choosing the right things to do, but the manner that I pointed out to others there mistakes or other possible right choices.  This is a fault that I have and still do work hard not to fall into.  Unfortunately for me, while my mind was not to injure, I look back and see that I did.

I still wonder though can you sit on a fence?  With my children the answer is no.  Things are black and white.   I often see people who do not commit to one side or the other.  Often in our lives we do not need to but there are many time that we do.  In ice cream, it does not matter if you like chocolate, vanilla, or both.  At other times it does matter. Having integrity, fidelity, being kind are all traits that should not vary depending on circumstances.  They are the way we define ourselves and the way that others define us.