Can you sit on a fence?

One of the things that you learn about children with Autism is that they are dreadfully honest.  This comes, I feel, from how they perceive things.  It is a black and white world to them.  They like order.  Everything fits into a nice category.  This is part of the reason why they line up cars - it gives the chaos order.  They simply know the rules and follow them.  In some ways this has been very nice as a mom.  They mind rules better than most.

They "call it like they see it" without regard to consideration of others feelings or perceptions.  My daughter would tell the other kids in kindergarten that they were breaking the rules.  She was not doing it to be self-righteous or to get other kids in trouble. She was merely stating a fact that she thought they should be aware of.  There is no judgement personally - my kids do not think ill of a person because they are not following the rules, other than recognition of them not following the rules.  Unfortunately, this did not help her make friends in kindergarten.

In many ways I share that trait with  my kids.  As I grew up and learned about the world, I learned what was right vs wrong and then stuck it in those categories in my mind.  I figured everyone made decisions like this.  I also assumed that if someone picked an option that was not the "one right" option  I knew, than they were wrong.  

When I did things that I knew to be wrong, I did it willingly and usually thoughtfully (sorry Mom and Dad).  I honestly thought everyone was that way.  Many times I would point out what was right or wrong based off of what people did.  It was motivated from a perspective of being helpful - they were not picking what I knew was right, so I pointed it out so they had the opportunity to make a better choice.  It was not until I was in my early twenties that I realized I alienated people by doing this.  To me, I was simply stating a fact, living what I knew to be right and what I should do.  I now realize that this is a fault of mine, not the choosing the right things to do, but the manner that I pointed out to others there mistakes or other possible right choices.  This is a fault that I have and still do work hard not to fall into.  Unfortunately for me, while my mind was not to injure, I look back and see that I did.

I still wonder though can you sit on a fence?  With my children the answer is no.  Things are black and white.   I often see people who do not commit to one side or the other.  Often in our lives we do not need to but there are many time that we do.  In ice cream, it does not matter if you like chocolate, vanilla, or both.  At other times it does matter. Having integrity, fidelity, being kind are all traits that should not vary depending on circumstances.  They are the way we define ourselves and the way that others define us.