Mom's - what do they do anyway?

What does a Mom do? In my book, a Mom helps to develop, nurture, and strengthen a child physically, emotionally, and intellectually. The first time I understood about the job of a Mom I thought of a "pace runner". This is a person whose job is not to win the race, but rather who runs with the one seeking to win so that they will run at the right speed. Usually the pace runner doesn't finish the race because they used up their energy helping the "winner" run at the appropriate speed to keep their pace at the correct level to win. Pace runners and race winners usually train together. In high school I ran track. We did not usually have a pace runner unless someone was specifically trying to beat a record or qualify for state competition. Then coach would put someone (pace runner) who ran a fast shorter race along with the person striving to win the record. The pace runner would run his usual speed and duration falling out of the race about part way through (because their energy was used up). Then the competitor would continue at that speed.

The idea behind this concept is that the one trying to achieve a record is able to do it, but does not always monitor or push enough to do it on their own. When paired with someone who can show the way and push the runner, then the runner rises to their potential. This to me is one of the grandest responsibilities of Motherhood. It is to help others to reach their potential. It is to hold their hand, drive them to practice, or dare dream of what may be. Motherhood is not only how we help our children (and, let's face it, our husbands too) to reach their potential, but it is one of the ways how we as women reach our potential.  I don't think that Motherhood is restricted to women who bare or adopt children.  I have had a "Mother's" influence by a lot of women in my life that were not related to me, some of whom had no children of their own.  

When I think of pace runners, it helps to ease the weariness that I feel at the end of the day when my 1 year old is not quite ready to go to bed and I am.  I realize that my job is not to beat my children at running the race, but simply to be with them day in and day out to run along side of them, to help them achieve more and then to simply bow out and let them receive the accolades.

How do I achieve/do so much?

I actually get asked this question a lot.  Usually it is more of a rhetorical/complimentary tone rather than a true inquiry for understanding.  I have been thinking a lot about it lately because of the last person that asked me.  She is a woman that I feel accomplishes a lot and whom I respect. So here are so of the methods that I have realized upon reflection.  

I surround myself with good people.  By this I mean that I have been able to over the years build up friends and acquaintances that add positive things to my life.  My friend asked me this after I mentioned a conversation that I had at book club last week.  I believe her exact words were, "You are in a book club too?  You are superwoman".  For me this book club is extremely low maintenance.  It was started a few years ago by a couple of mutual friends that were Lit. majors in college.  Their goal was to find books that reflected this goal "seek ye out of the best books 'words of wisdom' ".  The idea of others finding books that I could read that would be uplifting and teach me wisdom appealed to me.  Over the last three years I have read over 40 books.  I would not say all of them taught me wisdom, but most of them have helped me to broaden my thinking and understand better what other people may think.  

Another method that I have is that I get involved in "high success or return" endeavors.  For me this means making a difference in the world around me.  A couple of obvious endeavors are being a mom and volunteering in the schools my kids are in.  A few not so obvious are educating myself in politics and advocating for Early Intervention.  These are areas that I initially felt inadequate in but as I have found avenues for educating myself in them, I have grown in confidence and ability.  Most of my education in politics has come from simply going to our once a month (Republican) district meeting.  During election times they have a lot of the candidates debate or talk.  They also usually go over propositions and we discuss what they mean and what they would influence.  This helps me to feel better educated when I go to the polls to vote.  In off election season, they will often teach classes about the Constitution, Bill of Rights and other such laws.  In Early Intervention I have been able to be educated in better understanding what is best practice and personally realized that families are often undervalued by themselves as to how important and able they are to support their children's needs.

I also (try to) go to bed early - 9:00 and get up early - 5:00.  This I have found works best for me.  It is hard to adjust to when I get off track, but it allows me time to prepare myself for the day before my kids get up.  I feel alert and rested when I do this.  Jeff, my husband, has to get up at this time for his work schedule, so it has the double benefit of being a sleep schedule that works well for him.  If I were to write a book on having a great marriage, it would include going to bed and getting up at the same time as your spouse.  I see that it has been a wonderful blessing for us. 

While these are not a comprehensive list, I think that surrounding myself with good people doing good things, educating myself while involving myself in my community, and getting enough sleep are a few of the more important ways that I accomplish a lot.  Most of all, I do not take on more than I can handle.  While I have always enjoyed being busy and involved in making a positive contribution, I have also learned that I can only do so much.  When I reach that limit, I let people know that I am too busy for any more.

The Magic Word

If you already read my Manners post, this will make sense.  Just a brief review - in my world (that I am teaching to my children) there are Good Manners and everything else.  Everything else would be classified as Bad Manners.  So where does the "The Magic Word" fit in?  

When my children have asked what "The Magic Word" is I tell them "Abra-Cadabra".  It works best when you are making something disappear.  To me "Please" is not magic, it is Good Manners.  There is nothing magic about Good Manners, it is simply a way to show respect to others and yourself.

I must confess that I have another dislike for "Please" being wrongly used.  I have had three children that have had serious speech delay challenges.  I have heard arguments back and forth about whether to teach children to use "please" and "thank you".  For those of you not familiar I will give you a brief update.  There are some in the disability community who feel that it is most important that their children be able to have Good Manners, even if that is all they are able to communicate in other ways.  I believe this is based off of the idea that at the very minimal your children will be respected for being respectful.  There are others that feel that specifically "Please" and "Thank you" should be taught only after your children have been able to sufficiently communicate their needs.  This thought process is that we don't want our child using "please" instead of communicating the actual need (instead of asking for a cookie, the child simply says "please").  For me I fall into the latter group.  My first concern was not my children having manners, it was communication.  For 2 years old my oldest daughter's only form of communication were two phrases, "Shut the door" and "Watch out".  This went on for 9 months.  I literally remember crying one day because I could not find a cupboard or hallway door to close (my usual reaction to her saying this was to close whatever was open and this usually resolved whatever it was that she was talking about).  She kept repeating it over and over again.  Finally I opened a door, just so I could close it.  That was a day I questioned my sanity (oddly enough I did not think to question hers).  Now three and a half years later, she can communicate all her needs as well as being a chatty little first grader.  She has excellent Manners including asking to be excused from the table after a meal (that one she picked up from somewhere else and brought it home).

So if you ask me what "The Magic Word" is, don't be surprised if I ask you where your Top Hat, Cape, and Wand are.

Non-manners, is there such a thing?

To me it is interesting that as I have had to think about teaching my children manners, I have had to redefine them.  I use to think of Manners as having Good Manners, Bad Manners, and a third category - Non-Manners.  

Good Manners meant saying please and thank you, asking if you "May I have ..." instead of saying "Can I have...".  I had been taught that one reason Manners are suppose to be used is so that all know what to expect and all are respected.  When I became pregnant and I felt like my hips were falling apart, I began to appreciate people offering a lady their seat in a crowded room or bus.  I never would have known why this would be so beneficial until I was the one in the situation.

Bad Manners was being rude: burping (in USA), farting, not thanking someone or asking politely for something, no saying "please", dirty looks, ignoring others in obvious need, etc.

Then in my mind there was "Non-Manners".  This would be neither Good or Bad Manners.  So while you are not saying please and thank you, you are also not being rude or disrespectful.  This would be the category that I would place most people in basing this off of 5 years of waitressing (yes, I made this word up - I know I gave that disclaimer in my bio.) experience.

Then I started teaching my children about manners.  I heard myself using  phases like "Remember your Manners" and "Don't forget your Manners".  This is when a little voice in my head (that usually has an obscure sense of humor says, "Those are manners, just not good ones.")  So then I switched to reminding my children, "Please use your Good Manners".    That was when I came to the realization that if I am encouraging my children to develop Good Manners (which I take as a responsibility of Motherhood) than what I always classified as Non-Manners is really Bad Manners.  I mean can you hear my saying, "Don't forget your Non-Manners.  This is one of the things that made me realize that in our society we become so accepting of everyone (because we do not want to offend anyone) that we end up making specialized categories that don't really exist.  Non-Manners ask Emily Post about that one, I bet she has never heard of it.

So I guess Manners now goes into the Black and White category of my life.

PS  In our house the "Magic Word" is Abra-Cadabra.  And it gets you nothing unless you make a floating person under a sheet disappear.

My mom and others just like her

I knew before I started this blog that this had to be an entry.  Many times we give credit to mothers in society - but what for?  When you ask someone what a Mom does, you will usually get at least 2 of the 3 following answers:  takes care of the kids, does the laundry, cooks.  Depending on the age of the child you will get wild cards thrown in like:  changes many diapers daily, chauffeurs the children around.  If a child had a medical or developmental need you will almost always get:  takes kids to therapy, schedules doctor appointments.

I have been a mom for almost 7 years, while a lot of those responsibilities were the most time consuming part of my job, they do not catch the essence of my job.  I have done a lot of pondering and evaluating on what my job entails.  A large chunk of this research was to look back at my life (and to ask my husband for his personal feelings about what his mom and what I do) and have a amassed a composite picture of it.  This entry will not detail all of it, but rather some of what I have gleaned from my mother and others just like her.

Like most people, I think my Mom is the best.  She did so much for me.  I don't think about diapers, laundry, or chauffeuring.  I think about the time she told me she would have to trust my judgement when as a sixteen year old I told her I was dating a 20 year old (what was I thinking?  As a side note, that confidence she voiced in me paid off when I found out what he was thinking and dumped him after the second date). 

I feel that my Mom has the gift of "faith to believe".  I never questioned if my Mom believed in God, believed we should do what was right even when it was inconvenient, believed that ours was to honor what we had promised God that we would do.  I learned from her that I did not need to know every little detail before you could have faith in God.  She gave me the opportunity to learn the gospel very young.  We had the scriptures in  a "reader format" (think comic book without all the "POW's or BAM's") that had tapes that went along with the words.  I loved laying on the living room floor and reading these.  

She also taught me that when things needed to be done, regardless of how undesirable, that you just do it.  I have done somethings that have surprised a lot of people -waiting tables in High School with no front teeth (due to car accident) being one example.  She taught me lying was never acceptable.  Hard work  is another asset that she gave me.  She has given me many other gifts, but the best is her friendship.  I can honestly say that she has been my best friend for almost two decades now (since I became an adult).

There have been other women in my life who have taught me wonderful things that to me rank right up there with the "Mom" category.  My Mother-in-law has been a great influence on me.  She has taught me to be more gracious and we enjoy discussing many contemporary topics.  There are many other woman out there who have influenced me over the years.  I still return to the idea that being a mother has nothing to do with laundry, chauffeuring, or cooking.  It has to do with patiently teaching the next generation how to take care of themselves and the world around them.  It may come in a package of cooking, cleaning, or chauffeuring but it is the teaching that is involved.  It is the talents that are developed in the process.

It has taken me a few years to appreciate this responsibility.  I spent sometime feeling lonely and depressed about motherhood.  Then I spent a few years feeling overwhelmed and desperately trying to stay ahead of the game.  Recently I started a search to better understand motherhood.  What are mother's suppose to do?  I knew it was more than cooking, cleaning, and chauffeuring, but what more?  Then I stumbled across an article that talked about Motherhood that was written in 1981 by Ezra Taft Benson.  He speaks of what is valuable about women and what our responsibilities are.  This for me was one of the turning points to me understanding and finally enjoying Motherhood.

As a final note, I know that I am breaking some of the English Grammar rules by capitalizing Mom, Mother, and Motherhood, but I do it as a form of respect for the position.  We would all do well to give a little more respect to Mothers.

Can you sit on a fence?

One of the things that you learn about children with Autism is that they are dreadfully honest.  This comes, I feel, from how they perceive things.  It is a black and white world to them.  They like order.  Everything fits into a nice category.  This is part of the reason why they line up cars - it gives the chaos order.  They simply know the rules and follow them.  In some ways this has been very nice as a mom.  They mind rules better than most.

They "call it like they see it" without regard to consideration of others feelings or perceptions.  My daughter would tell the other kids in kindergarten that they were breaking the rules.  She was not doing it to be self-righteous or to get other kids in trouble. She was merely stating a fact that she thought they should be aware of.  There is no judgement personally - my kids do not think ill of a person because they are not following the rules, other than recognition of them not following the rules.  Unfortunately, this did not help her make friends in kindergarten.

In many ways I share that trait with  my kids.  As I grew up and learned about the world, I learned what was right vs wrong and then stuck it in those categories in my mind.  I figured everyone made decisions like this.  I also assumed that if someone picked an option that was not the "one right" option  I knew, than they were wrong.  

When I did things that I knew to be wrong, I did it willingly and usually thoughtfully (sorry Mom and Dad).  I honestly thought everyone was that way.  Many times I would point out what was right or wrong based off of what people did.  It was motivated from a perspective of being helpful - they were not picking what I knew was right, so I pointed it out so they had the opportunity to make a better choice.  It was not until I was in my early twenties that I realized I alienated people by doing this.  To me, I was simply stating a fact, living what I knew to be right and what I should do.  I now realize that this is a fault of mine, not the choosing the right things to do, but the manner that I pointed out to others there mistakes or other possible right choices.  This is a fault that I have and still do work hard not to fall into.  Unfortunately for me, while my mind was not to injure, I look back and see that I did.

I still wonder though can you sit on a fence?  With my children the answer is no.  Things are black and white.   I often see people who do not commit to one side or the other.  Often in our lives we do not need to but there are many time that we do.  In ice cream, it does not matter if you like chocolate, vanilla, or both.  At other times it does matter. Having integrity, fidelity, being kind are all traits that should not vary depending on circumstances.  They are the way we define ourselves and the way that others define us.

Mom, you are the best!

As I thought about starting a blog I reflected on what was important to me.  It's focus had to be grand enough to share with the world (just in case anyone else reads it) and important enough that it helped even if I am the only one to read it.  The greatest thing about myself, and indeed the aspect of my personality I have struggled the most, is motherhood.  I don't think this comes naturally to me and I don't think that my ways are necessarily the best for all.  I do know that my path has worked and continues to work for me.  I know that I have great joy in being a mom and wish I had found this path earlier in my life.  

Why "Mom, you are the best!"?  This comes from my children.  One day I was trying to "jazz things up a bit" when I was teaching them to develop good manners.  So instead of reminding them to say, "Thanks, mom" I decided to have them say, "Thanks Mom, you are the best".  I actually tried other variations, but "Thanks Mom, you are the best!" is the one that stuck.  Now it helps me to have courage when I am cleaning up a toileting mess or doing the laundry.  The brightest memory I have of this is when I went camping with the kids (my husband had to work that weekend) and my 5 year old woke up at 2:30 in the morning so that I could watch him pee right where he stood.  It was very frustrating as I was exhausted from a long day traveling.  I really did not feel it appropriate (or have the energy) to have him clean it up.  I got busy to work and had clean clothes and bed for him, threw the wet clothes outside the tent (that will keep the bears away) and him back in bed in ten minutes.  As I lay there on the verge of tears resulting from being overwhelmed,  I heard a quite voice call out, "Thanks Mom, you are the best!"

Those are the moments that you can't explain to someone who is not a parent.  I know I did not understand when I was single.  I would have thought, "How cute!"  but it is more than that.  It is your child reliving a teaching that you have worked for months with him to develop.  Although he is too tired and exhausted to think about it, he still remembers to use good manners.  He still remembers to be grateful.  And I realize, that this hard work is not only flowing out of his tired mouth, but flows from deep within him.