OK, why does the food in this house keep disappearing? I thought this would be over when the twins were born. It is not over, it has gotten worse. While we have money enough for food, it seems that my cupboards and fridge are always empty. At first I thought this was do to my lack of shopping, but my cute husband has done an awesome job with the food shopping. So then I thought maybe we have mice...or a small bear or something. Now as I sit here blogging and looked down to take another bite of my now evaporated late afternoon snack - not to be confused with early afternoon snack (1:30 pm) or early tea (3:30 pm)...I realized that I may be that problem. I guess I am still eating like crazy. Thankfully though my kids are doing well growing (they have put on a combined 7 pounds in the first month) and I seem to be maintaining my pre-pregnant with twins weight. But I think I shall enjoy the first day when I can go back to three balanced meals with an occasional snack, instead of being at this point where I have to come up with new names for consistent snack times.

PS For Lord of the Ring fans, "those hobbitses" have nothing on me when it comes to inventing new meal times.

Up the down staircase (or escalator)

I often get asked "How's it going with the twins and all (translate this to 'and four other children, you crazy nut!')?" I think I finally found a good response to it, "It is not as hard as I thought it would be, but it is still really hard". I hope this communicates the feeling that I am not breezing this, but at the same time it is not hopeless (many people have communicated their lack of confidence to me about themselves being able to be in this position and still maintain hope). Then this morning I had a rare instance of mental clarity accompanied by 2 and 1/2 minutes of nothing to coordianate, plan, or do. That was when this analogy clearly imprinted itself on my mind. "It is like trying to go up a down escalator".

The way this feels on an emotional or mental level and sometimes even on a physical one, is that I am trying to walk up a down escalator. The scenery is the same day to day...the motions that I go through as well. There is one task to accomplish (getting through the day with all family members intact)in this analogy, simply putting my feet on the next step. No matter how far I go one day, it will start all over again the next. It just seems no matter how hard I work or get done, seemingly overnight I am back at the beginning. I just don't seem to have the strength to actually make it to the top of the escalator. This is OK, because it is not expected, by me or anyone else, that I would actually make it to the top of that escalator for a few more months. The beautiful thing about this is that as long as I continue to put one foot in front of the other, I usually don't lose ground (until I fall asleep, and then are we really going to judge a person by losing ground when they sleep?). At times it can feel similar to a never ending march, but the reality is that after a few more months (hopefully!), I will be at the top of that escalator. Right now my goal is merely to keep walking everyday, to not give up. I knew this part would be hard, and I am not disappointed in that realistic expectation. Right now I am hoping that it will be a beautiful garden where I can lounge around and do nothing for the next several decades. I say that knowing that the reality is it may very well be an alligator pit. Of course that would lead to my mantra that I have shared with Jeff a few times during these difficult weeks, "When I am through with this I am going to find me a nice easy job, like wrestling alligators"!

Falling in love...or just plain being in love

I saw cute couple tonight falling in love. It took me back to my single days when I fell in love once or twice. I remember the whole, "Will he kiss me, will I kiss him, candle light dinners, late nights, flowers, etc." It was fun.

Now I think of being in love. It looks a little different. It still involves late nights, but usually it is getting up to help clean up a puking child's bed. I know that my husband will be right there with me. It doesn't matter if it involves changing diapers, doing dishes, or bringing in groceries, my husband is always there to help me. To me that what being in love is about - being there for each other - emotionally, mentally, physically... every way. I guess this applies to our children as well as to each other (spouses), but I am thinking of the way we are there for our spouses. When my husband sees me doing dishes, he helps. When he sees laundry that needs to be folded and I haven't gotten to it yet, he helps...sometimes he even does it all.

I am sure some spouses out there have managed to perfect the "dragging your feet until the spouse is done and then asking, "What can I do?". To me this shows a desire to appear responsible, but not to really help ease the burden that your spouse carries. When our daughter threw up the last night of vacation, hitting two beds (she was in the top bunk) at 10:30 at night, my husband grabbed the paper towels and started cleaning the beds while I helped our daughter to the bathroom. That is what love is, carrying each others burdens.

In addition to that, love also involves all the fun stuff as well...kissing, holding, candle light dinners, etc. But that is more the "icing on the cake stuff". Love is what you have when you are truly committed to one another, to each other's well being. It is the safe harbor to rest, to share, to dream.

As I reflect back on my "other loves" I realize that my husband was the first and only man that I was able to truly be in love with. We equally carry each others burdens as well as joy in each other. This is what will always bring me back to my husband, my love.

I have figured out one thing, no matter how well you say it, you can tell you are in love by trying to describe it in words or writing and it will never come out as well as you feel it even though you use the same words that explain it all to you inside yourself.

...besides how many other men would honestly help me clean up the puke?

What a parent tries to do...

Often as a mother I find myself doing something that I would normally not do, if it were not for my children. No, I am not talking about changing diapers although that would fit the definition of what I am trying to describe. I am talking about the dopey things, the things that if we were to do them without a child on our laps, we would look insanely silly.

Today's example was during Sacrament meeting. The choir was singing a lovely musical number about making right choices. It has several verses. I am familiar with this song. I had passed off one of the babies to a willing neighbor to hold while I was trying to keep my 2 year old busy paying attention to the music. I remember when I was a young girl, my dad taking my finger and following along with the song in a Hymnal. I was trying to do something similar to that. The choir was in the front of the chapel, we were sitting on the second row of a rather large chapel. I had MaggieMae sitting on my lap and I was moving her arms similar to what the choir director was doing up front. I have to say that I was rather impressed with myself at keeping time with the director and usually bringing the second hand up for added choir instruction approximately the same time the director did. This was probably my downfall. We were finishing up the first verse with a brief interlude before the next verse. I was feeling great and so was MaggieMae because this is the time she decided to declare, "Yeaaaaa!" in her sweet, very loud 2 year old voice. If I had been in control, I could have prevented this, but I was enjoying the moment of it all and burst out laughing. Then Maggie started to chuckle. Then as hard as I tried I could not stop laughing. MaggieMae brings out that companion influenced laughter that only my siblings at this point had brought out. The tears were rolling down my face and there was obviously only one thing I could do. I grabbed Maggie and ran for the hall door. When I got out to the hallway, I set a befuddled Maggie down. She looked up at me and could not figure out why I was laughing so hard with tears rolling down my face.

Well, they say confession is good for the soul. I guess my soul is feeling doubly good today! Hopefully next time we decide to be a "Shadow choir director" we will not get a case of the giggles. Good job to the choir for an excellent song and keeping a straight face.

This was not posed!

 

Best I can figure it out, William is showing Rosi how to do the Thinker pose that he has become known for. I did not realize that he had to train his hand for that position by holding it in place with his other hand.

A conversation

 

These pictures were taken in succession starting in the upper left, to the upper right, lower left, to the lower right. It cracks me up when I look at these because I just imagine a conversation where the details aren't necessary to understanding the flow. Join with me as I walk you through the conversation:
Upper left picture - Rosi is discreetly whispering to William and we see that William is not pleased.
Upper right - William get so riled up by what twin sister Rosi has said that he starts yelling.
Lower left - Rosi realizing the importance of William's words leans in
Lower right - Rosi joins her brother in calling attention to the situation.

 

One of the cute things about the twins is something we noticed soon after getting home. When we would put them to bed, it seemed that Rosi was always on the left and William on the right and always facing each other. They were this way in Utero. What the interesting point on this is, that people would put them in the crib that way who did not know that. Also often they were not facing each other when they were laid down, but after a short time, we would notice they would turn to each other and stay that way. We have many ultra sound pictures of William face, but not Rosi because she always had her face turned as if she were whispering in William's ear.

William...

 

... the Thinker. That is seriously what this pose makes me think of. William is often doing this pose.

Freeze frame!

 

Strike a pose! That is seriously what this picture makes me think of - some 1980's dance poses. This was just a fun picture of them sleeping.

Let's play the guess what this is...then we can play guess who did it!

 
This is a whole that has been in our wall - well for a long time now. I guess my boys felt like mom and dad were not taking this need seriously enough.

Twins baby blessing

 

It was a beautiful (hey, I am a mom what did you think I would say?) day. The twins are still sleeping a lot. Here are some pictures from that day. Rosi is wearing AnnaLisa's blessing dress that G'ma Park made by hand (including all that "smocking" - gathered up part on the bodice of the dress). AnnaLisa was excited to let Rosi wear her dress. William is in the Tux that my mom made for our boys. He looks a bit like a drunken sailor in some of these pictures. Poor William is too skinny for the pants , so they had a hard time staying on(humourously Andrew and JJ were so big, they were blessed at around 3 months of age that they barely fit in).

What to do?

Wow, it has been so long since this question has been thought, let alone asked. Today with the kids gone, I have wondered that. I take naps all the time (I never get to sleep more than two and a half hours at a time, although I get lots of opportunities sleeping with the twins), so that does not sound inviting. Eating is along the same parameters, I eat all the time, so can't use that to fill unfilled time. I got to sit and watch TV for a bit tonight, but I just have not had to figure out what to do with my time for so long, I am not sure I can anymore. Mostly I sat around and chatted with G'ma while taking care of the babies.

Quietest day in my life...

Well, Jeff left this morning to head out on a 18 hour drive to the family reunion. I stayed at home with G'ma and the twins. They left almost 9 hours ago. So what does a day like this look like? No kids to get off to school before the bus comes, no piano lessons, no Sesame Street, no son to get ready before the pre-school bus comes, no toddler to put to nap, and the list goes on. What seems to stand out the most for me, no noise. OK, occasionally we have a infant crying, but that usually lasts a minute or two, but there is a distinct absence of the dull roar of kids playing, eating, crying, etc.

It is a very nice treat to have a quiet day at home. I enjoy the serenity of pondering things I want to think of instead of trying to plan out "world peace - even if it is just the Park family's world". Where I do not have to remind the children that we are using inside voices, to use good manners, getting along means sharing too, etc.

I am trying to appreciate what I have for where I am in my life, no matter what that is. For today, this means appreciating the quiet - although I may have to turn on the TV, and possibly the blender, to be able to fall asleep tonight.