A Notebook of One's Own

A friend of mine has this posted on her blog. I really liked it and felt that it described my desire to write and retain memories, ideas, and insights, so I copied it to my blog. Lauren, thank you for letting me steal this! Also thank you for sharing yourself with me, and in sharing this insight which has helped me to better understand myself, and is helping me relieve the guilt I feel for not developing every idea and thought.

A Notebook of One's Own

Back when I was in college I read an article that explained how Jane Austen used to hide a notebook under a cushion in the drawing room, so whenever she had a spare moment she could pull it out and scribble down her ideas and thoughts. From that day forward my heart was swept up with the idea of notebooks.

You see, before that I'd always perceived Notebook People as a sort of mysterious, underground demographic. They wore weird glasses, wrote transcendental poetry, and collected bumper stickers to paste inside their angst-filled notebooks. I remember watching a neighbor stop talking mid-sentence in order to pull a beloved notebook from her bag and begin furiously recording...I can't actually remember what it was that we were talking about that warranted immediate transcription. But I do remember thinking, "Ah. Notebook People. They're different."

But Jane Austen's notebooks presented me with a new concept. Suddenly the keeping of a notebook didn't have to signify membership in a specific social demographic, or evidence of one's dark underworld. Notebooks don't have to be wildly decorated, or made of expensive moleskin. And most of all, one single notebook doesn't have to be the overarching, tangible representation of your life, like human cliffnotes.

That's why I have about twenty-seven notebooks floating around at any given time, give or take a handful. Those 25 cent spirals from Wal-mart can become addictive, sneaking their way into my shopping cart, and I have a soft spot for the pretties. Paper covered or fabric covered, there is just nothing as hopeful as a lovely, pristine new notebook.

It's difficult carrying on our person all of our thoughts, ideas, and feelings as we move through life. We all need repositories. A spouse is a good option, but if the Game is on in the background then he becomes more of a sieve. And when the day is long and the kids are loud, the weight we place on our spouse's sounding boards can be a heavy load to carry. So instead, we have notebooks. For recipes, lists, spiritual insights, our Big Ideas, journaling, and most importantly, the casual, ordinary thoughts that together add up to be a pretty good portrait of what we love and who we're trying to become.

Virginia Woolf argued that women's creativity requires a room of one's own and five hundred pounds a year. I'm not sure Jane Austen always had those luxuries, much less the rest of us- my computer is in our toy room! But what we do need is more notebooks. Under the bed. In our desk drawers. Buried at the bottom of the diaper bag. And tucked under couch cushions in the drawing room. The important thing is that we designate a specific place for our thoughts to go, a steady landing strip. That way, three weeks later when we are wondering, "What was the name of the Asian cafe my neighbor recommended?" or "What were the little-girl baby names I was going to suggest to my friend?" It's all there. Waiting. So long as we write it down.

Typical Development in kids 0-5

In my class I found this website and I like the information that it gives. I think it is a good summary in a lot of ways. Interesting now that we know that William and RosiLee are developmentally delayed to see these types of charts. They fall into the 9 month-12 month chart areas in emotional and communication and have a few 18 month skills (mostly gross motor types of things).

http://www.childdevelopmentinfo.com/development/normaldevelopment.shtml

Physical and Language

Emotional

Social

Birth
to
1 month

Feedings: 5-8 per day

Sleep: 20 hrs per day

Sensory Capacities: makes basic distinctions in vision, hearing, smelling, tasting, touch, temperature, and perception of pain

Generalized Tension

Helpless
Asocial
Fed by mother

2 months
to
3 months

Sensory Capacities: color perception, visual exploration, oral exploration.

Sounds: cries, coos, grunts

Motor Ability: control of eye muscles, lifts head when on stomach. Delight

Distress

Smiles at a Face Visually fixates at a face, smiles at a face, may be soothed by rocking.

4 months
to
6 monthsSensory Capacities: localizes sounds

Sounds: babbling, makes most vowels and about half of the consonants

Feedings: 3-5 per day
Motor Ability: control of head and arm movements, purposive grasping, rolls over.Enjoys being cuddled Recognizes his mother. Distinguishes between familiar persons and strangers, no longer smiles indiscriminately.

Expects feeding, dressing, and bathing.7 months
to
9 monthsMotor Ability: control of trunk and hands, sits without support, crawls about. Specific emotional attachment to mother.Protests separation from mother. Enjoys "peek-a-boo"10 months
to
12 months Motor Ability: control of legs and feet, stands, creeps, apposition of thumb and fore-finger.

Language: says one or two words, imitates sounds, responds to simple commands.

Feedings: 3 meals, 2 snacks

Sleep: 12 hours, 2 naps AngerAffection

Fear of strangers

Curiosity, exploration Responsive to own name.

Wave bye-bye.

Plays pat-a-cake, understands "no-no!"

Gives and takes objects.1 years
to
1 ½ years Motor Ability: creeps up stairs, walks (10-20 min), makes lines on paper with crayon. Dependent Behavior

Very upset when separated
from mother

Fear of BathObeys limited commands.

Repeats a few words.

Interested in his mirror image.

Feeds himself.1 ½ years
to
2 years Motor Ability: runs, kicks a ball, builds 6 cube tower (2yrs) Capable of bowel and bladder control.

Language: vocabulary of more than 200 words

Sleep: 12 hours at night, 1-2 hr napTemper tantrums
(1-3yrs)Resentment of new baby Does opposite of what he is told (18 months).2 years
to
3 yearsMotor Ability: jumps off a step, rides a tricycle, uses crayons, builds a 9-10 cube tower.

Language: starts to use short sentences controls and explores world with language, stuttering may appear briefly. Fear of separation




Negativistic (2 ½ yrs)

Violent emotions, anger

Differentiates facial expressions of anger, sorrow, and joy.

Sense of humor (Plays tricks)Talks, uses "I" "me" "you"

Copies parents' actions.

Dependent, clinging, possessive about toys, enjoys playing alongside another child.

Negativism (2 ½ yrs).

Resists parental demands.

Gives orders.

Rigid insistence on sameness of routine. Inability to make decisions.3 years
to
4 yearsMotor Ability: Stands on one leg, jumps up and down, draws a circle and a cross (4 yrs)

Self-sufficient in many routines of home life. Affectionate toward parents.

Pleasure in genital manipulation

Romantic attachment to parent of opposite sex
(3 to 5 yrs)

Jealousy of same-sex parent.

Imaginary fears of dark, injury, etc. (3 to 5 years)Likes to share, uses "we"

Cooperative play with other children, nursery school. Imitates parents.

Beginning of identification with same-sex parent, practices sex-role activities. Intense curiosity & interest in other children's bodies.

Imaginary friend.4 years
to
5 yearsMotor ability: mature motor control, skips, broad jumps, dresses himself, copies a square and a triangle.

Language: talks clearly, uses adult speech sounds, has mastered basic grammar, relates a story, knows over 2,000 words
(5 yrs)Responsibility and guilt

Feels pride in accomplishmentPrefers to play with other children, becomes competitive prefers sex-appropriate activities

Cowboys and Cowgirls

We found this rocking horse for the three little kids. As you can see, JJ does not feel it is fair he can't ride. It even has "horse and riding noises" hidden in buttons located in the ears. The babies are quite enjoying it. It is good to remember all the different aspects of growing up.

Another thing that is not so picturesque is that the babies were evaluated Monday and both are significantly delayed in many areas mostly relating to speech and communication. This is not a surprise to Jeff and I, although in someways believe it or not, it is a relief. We have seen them struggle for a while, and our well-developed skills just don't seem to be able to strengthen their abilities. We hope that the professional help we will be getting will be able to refine what we already know and do. It is still a little vague what exactly this is going to look like, but I am sure it will occasionally hit the blog.

Conflict, part 3 and rules of conflicts

I suppose I should have started with a definitions page as terminology has many different connotations to different people. So for purposes of this blog post on Conflict we are using these definitions:

Conflict - two (or more) people who do not agree on a particular idea, plan, or action. There is no malice on either part, just a disagreement. This may have intense feelings involved, but communication is polite, respectful, and kind.

Argument - a conflict that also includes intense feelings that are expressed through tone, word, and demeanor of those involved.

Understanding - two people having an awareness between them about a particular subject or one or both's view on a particular subject. This does not mean they have to agree, but it means that they have learned from the other person sharing their personal perspective and while they may not share the other person's view or it may seem illogical to them, they can with words explain the other person's position.

My husband and I have evolved rules for having conflicts. They have never been formalized before this moment, but are just some basic ideas that we follow.

1. No name calling, putting the other person down.
2. No keeping score.
3. No bringing up past situation to involve in current conflict. Past situations may be used to explain (i.e. this reminds me of the time we.... We do not say things like "you always...).
4. We try to express things positively.
5. We try to express things as they are, no exaggerating.
6. No door slamming, yelling, etc.
7. Very little humor as that has caused misunderstandings during conflicts.
8. No sarcasm.

Conflict, part 2

My hubby and I have been discussing the philosophical idea of conflict and it's purpose in life. We came upon an idea that in wording is new, but probably is latent in all of us. The idea is that "conflict brings about closeness". It was an idea that I first put words to. My husband then refined it to be that "resolving conflict brings closeness" (it is probably going to go through more refining, but we are here at this point).

Well, of course what he said, is what I meant in my statement, but not dwelling on the nuances of language and it's limitation - commonly known as "wordsmithing", we will look at the intent of the message. The idea is that many people get caught up in the conflict and/or some don't even get that far and avoid conflicts all together. We have come to the conclusion that conflict is a natural part of life, however a lot of people get stuck in the first stage of conflict. They don't get to the final stage of conflict, the resolution of it where a closeness and intimacy happens. They stay in the first stage of conflict where anger, hurt, frustration, and fear are ever present feelings. For those who persevere through the "rough" initial part of conflict, there is a sweetness as you come to a better understanding of yourself as well as your partner. There is also a tenderness that is felt that often is shown through laughing, crying, hugging, and other types of intimate affection. We feel the conclusion to conflict is a necessary step that many are unaware of or do not persevere to. The tragedy is that they are missing the benefit of this complete process and view conflict in a negative light as a result.

Sometimes it is difficult when someone who has had more experience of the complete process of conflict is trying to help others, whom they are in conflict with, work through this to get to that sweet side of conflict, to that resolution of better understanding and sweet closeness that comes through this process.

Conflict, part 1

I couldn't help but laugh as I heard my kids arguing in the back seat of our car. It was your basic, "did...did not...did...did not...did...did not" argument. For some reason I have become very philosophically interested in conflict/argument. When I have been hearing children (or even occasionally my spouse and I) argue, I hear a narrator in my head evaluating what the issue is, what can be learned from this, and where the misunderstanding is. Now, I must confess, other than decades of experience with arguing - not continuously mind you- I have not had any instruction of any sort of this. So this will be a layman's look at this subject. It is interesting to me both people can be honest, fair, and seeking the good of the other above their own, and still get into arguments! Any and all comments are welcome!

So I got to be the verbal narrator to my kids as we worked through this argument. Andrew insisted he said something one way, Maggie insisted he said it another way. I knew who was wrong, I also knew even with a video camera that could go back in time, I would not be able to convince the wrong one of their fault. So I chose a different tactic. I explained to Andrew that while he felt he said something one way, obviously Maggie did not hear it that way and arguing would not straighten it out. So it would just be best to accept that their was a disagreement, set the record straight as to what was meant to be said, and continue on with life. Hmmm - sounds so nice and easy, and yet, the argument turned in my direction as he felt this was a ridiculous request and that he must prove her wrong. We discussed the idea of being a peacemaker, and I asked him if he felt he was being a peacemaker. He said, no he was not - at least he was seeing that part of it clearly.

In our house one of our goals is to be a peacemaker. I have never given an opposite of that, because honestly I am not interested in labeling my kids like that. It is interesting however, that the kids have found an opposite - troublemaker. My kids will willing offer up this label when I ask a sibling if they are being peacemakers. I am trying to peacefully find solutions, so I don't support this, however, I haven't de-supported it either.

So with that I guess I have opened the subject of conflict/arguing/etc. So feel free to post your observations, I have several other posts that I have been working through other types of arguments and what the purpose of them are, of course in my perspective, but I'd enjoy it if you would share your opinion too...would not...would...would not...would...

Work in progress

A friend of mine used this for her Facebook picture. It made me giggle. She is doing an awesome job at losing weight right now, and I expect that is the reason for the sign. I can't help but think that we all are works in progress.

Right now I have a blog entry that is a work in progress. I try to blog two things:

1. My real life - I try to as much as possible openly share what I feel and think. Most times this is not hard for me as I am a fairly open person. Occasionally I come to a post that I just don't feel it would make those closest to me feel safe to have me share with all at large. At those times I email myself and someday (haha) I will incorporate those with these, print them and have some nice journals to put upon my shelf.
2. The everyday happenings - these most often are the funny things my kids do, the struggles they have, and the way we share our lives together.

The blog entry that I have in progress is something that has been a struggle for me through out my life and even in my marriage. It is conflict. Some view conflict as something to be avoided, others merely a process in a journey, and yet others "something that should explosively have a life of it's own". Me, I am somewhere in-between all those realizing that it is not really a spectrum. I am finding that most things people fight over aren't important - money, possession of material goods, etc. I think there are things that are worth fighting over - respect, ideas, priorities, and principles. I will be the first to admit that unfortunately the world is not cut and dry into nice categories. When a couple argue over money, often times the money represents priorities, not a tightfistedness on the actual money.

So, I guess I will need to do some more thinking and progressing on my intended subject, but it will be coming, because if I don't share it here, I will have to go on top of a building somewhere and just start shouting from there.

Is this girl ready for Monday night football or what?

Rosi crawled up on Jeff's lap with this football last night. We don't want sports that often, but we both saw this and just thought "Monday night football!"

The kids always enjoy hanging with their dad, this is just one of many pictures.