What is in a name....?

No story about flowers, just about my kids and the names they give their stuffed animals/dolls. AnnaLisa has always come up with some incredibly unusual names (i.e. Lolly, and Fossy) for her loved buddies. My boys have never gone that route. JJ has a lion, tiger, and orange dog (that one use to be daddy's when he was a little boy). I asked him their names and he told me: Lion, Tiger, and Orange Dog. Collectively we call them "his boys" because he sleeps with them every night and we have to hunt for them whenever they have been lost.

This morning I was helping the boys with their morning "getting ready for the day" routine. This includes dressing themselves, making their beds, and saying prayers among other things. I was helping JJ with making his bed while Andrew was making his (on the top bunk) when he calls down, "Where's dinosaur?". I smiled as I am sure he is talking about the huge stuffed triceratops that "Santa" got for him. I look around and don't see it, only his black and white stuffed dog that we gave him 3 years ago (usually called "my dog"). Next thing I see is Andrew sailing through the air as he jumps down from his bed right next to "dog".
"There he is."
I ask, "who?"
He says, "Dinosaur" pointing to his dog. I look at the dog a bit befuddled and say, that is a dog.
Andrew smiles and pointing to the collar that he made a few days ago, "Yes, but his name is dinosaur". And sure enough, Andrew unfolds a 6 inch piece of paper that has two holes punched into so that he could feed through the string that he tied around his dog's neck. He shows me the dog's name, "dinosaun". Then he explains that he wrote the "n" instead of the "r" by mistake but he knows the difference.
Hmmm, makes sense right? You have to account in that Andrew really loves dinosaurs. If I were to drop him off at the public library by the dinosaur book section with a couple of peanut butter sandwiches, I could come back in a few days and he would simply ask for some more sandwiches.

Well, just when I thought my world could not get rocked anymore, in comes my husband. He has "Orange dog" in his hands to toss on JJ's bed. I told him about the dinosaur story.
He smiles and says, "By the way, did you know that JJ has renamed Orange Dog? His name is now "Ambulance".

Christmas line-up

This is a tradition that has passed to our family from the Park line. You have all the kids line up in the hallway and get a picture taken before they are allowed to go in for presents. The older three kids had already been in to check out their presents around 5:45 am. I kicked them out into our bedroom because we told them they could not open any until MaggieMae woke up and they were not allowed to wake her. They climbed into our bed and Jeff put a movie on his computer. Jeff and I went back to sleep (king size beds are huge!).
Around 7:00 we decided they needed breakfast (cereal which was in their stockings), so we decided that we would get those. As the kids left our room, AnnaLisa screamed that MaggieMae was awake, "I saw her move. She's awake." Well, she is now anyway.

We ate breakfast, lined up the kids, took a picture, and opened up the presents(more on that later). I thought the tradition of lining up was kind of silly, but as a Newlywed I did not argue. Now nine Christmas' later, I think it is fun, especially when it is your own cute kids you are taking a picture of.

Memorable Christmas'

This is the third year (we've been married for 9 Christmas') that we have spent at home for Christmas. So we are still trying to figure out what we want to do and how to do it. I have been thinking about memorable Christmas', what made them that way and what I want to do for my kids. So the first main memories I have are related to Christmas Stockings - well actually the contents of Christmas stockings. One year (I think second grade) my parents put a "Storybook of LifeSavers" in. It was a package that opened up like a book and it had 4 rolls of Lifesavers on each side. I thought this was the Ultimate gift to receive. I remember wishing to find that in my stocking every Christmas morning for years to come. The other thing that I wished for were Reese's Peanut Butter Cup "sticks" (they usually have a dozen or so in a tube with a Christmas figure on top). I must have gotten those at least once to hope for them again.

So now I get to plan the whole gig (we pretend that Jeff is involved, but let's be realistic). We made cute stocking for everyone in the family this year. The kids wrote their names on the top. I really wanted to do this for them, but Jeff said it would be cute in years to come seeing their handwriting. I agreed and "allowed them" to do it. AnnaLisa broke her name in half (Anna and Lisa) doing two diagonal descending lines. Andrew wrote, "Andrew3" which is how his Kindergarten teacher has taught him to sign his name because he is the third child by alphabetical first name (who says your not a number to your kindergarten teacher?). JJ decided to go by "Jeff". As far as stocking stuffers go, we got hot chocolate and boxed cereal (single serving size) for the kids. I got Reese's Peanut Butter Christmas trees and peanut butter M&M's. Hope Jeff likes the boxed cereal because I did not think of him (I was concentrating so hard on the kids).

I have two other Christmas memories that run through my head this season (and in truth, every season probably for the rest of my life). The first is of my younger sister Kathy who would always donate to the Salvation Army bell ringers at every store. I even remember that she would donate the last of her money that she borrowed from mom to be paid back later or through work. If I borrowed money from mom I refused to donate it, because it was more that I would have to pay back. But I always remember Kathy and her endless charity. She has been such a good example to me of someone who willing to give others a second chance, share whatever she has, and being kind to all.

The other memory I have is of a Christmas we had shortly after we moved to Utah. I think it was the second Christmas. It was a financially tight time for all in our 11 member family. It was the first year that we traded names (so that we would each only need to get one gift instead of everyone getting everyone a gift). I remember being very humbled by that. Christmas morning was extremely meager. My brother Josh managed to get gifts for everyone - although some were slightly "unorthodox". For me he gave me a dinosaur pencil holder he had made in wood shop (which to this day I have and has always attended every office I have had). For everyone he had something - for one of our brothers he found some lost toys and wrapped them as a present. I don't remember the rest of what he gave, but it was so sweet the feeling in the room at that time. Everyone felt special because of the thought that went into the presents, and not the presents themselves. I guess that is why, for me, the thoughtfulness of the present has always meant more to me than the actual present.

It is a fun time for me to figure out what types of things are important to my children and to try to include them into our celebrations. I hope they look back and remember the fun and joy of being in our family especially around Christmas time.

Gifts

I have been pondering this a bit lately (tis the season, right?). There are a lot of different attitudes about gift giving. For some it is a price tag (i.e. I like this person $50 worth - now lets find something that costs that much), for others it is a representation of something they share with another (a gift that must reflect what the giver is as well as the receiver), for some it is an obligation - I have to give them something because they always get me something, occasionally it is the "I saw it and it made me think of you" gift. And for some people it is a combination of these or other categories that I probably missed.

What has occurred to me is the "Why" to gifts. The "Why do we give gifts?" for? Some will say it is symbolize the giving of the wise men to baby Jesus. I have often thought of that, but while pondering this lately, then why do we do it at Jesus' birth? The wise men did not come for possibly up to two years after that. So back to the "Why" again. We celebrate the crucifixion and resurrection at Easter time, so we are not really celebrating the atonement of Christ (the ultimate gift He gave us). So what are we celebrating? What are the gift to represent? This is when it occurs to me.

We are celebrating the giving of Jesus to us from the Father. It was Heavenly Father's gift to us that was given at the time of Christ's birth. It is through this that we will have the help we need to be forgiven of our sins, overcome death, and become more like the Saviour. So how do the gifts fit in? I think that it is the act of giving when you could have kept it for yourself. It is the taking of something that could possibly help another and giving it to them. This act of giving is one of the forms of love. It is a way to put our love in action. Much like faith is an choice, so is love. We love people when we choose to love them. We make that choice when our actions reflect the choice to show them their well-being, desires, comfort, and feelings are important for us to protect and keep safe.

The beautiful thing about giving gifts to others is that not only is it a way to build a closeness in relationships, but it is also a way to be selfless. It is only by being selfless that we are going to draw ourselves closer to the Lord. It was a common philosophy that people needed to "go find themselves". My thoughts are that we are not out there somewhere to find, but rather we are here ready to be created. We choose what we will be by the choices and actions that we make everyday. When we choose to hold someone's heart gently in our hands, we make the choice to show them how we feel. Whether we realize it or not, our family's hearts we hold in our hands. We need to be careful with the gifts that we give to these important people, not just at Christmas time, but all the time. Do we let them know they are more important to us than our hobbies or interests? Are they more important to us than our laundry or cooking? Are they more important to us than our jobs?

For me, I have found that spending time together is the best gift that I can give to anyone, especially my children. That, done well, is one of the best ways I can build a relationship of love. Doing something the other person enjoys (regardless of whether you enjoy it) is even better.

Little People, important people

JJ loves for Mommy to come and play with him. Actually, he will take anyone, but most times I am his only option. Last week Jeff stayed home from work to finish his final for grad school. JJ wanted me to play with him, so I went into the living room where he was playing. We started playing with "Little People" because that is JJ's favorite thing to play (well at least among the top three). He assigned me the school bus which was packed with people and animals. I started taking all the zoo animals out when JJ told me that it was the "zoo bus". A little bit dejected, I put the animals back in (I mean what fun would it be if I did not get to play the way I wanted to?) JJ got the "zoo truck" and put two people in and told me to follow him. Evidentially, we were going on a field trip.

Our field trip was across the room to the bottom of the Christmas tree. We stopped there at the Nativity set that was under the tree (not where we normally set it up, but somehow that is where it has ended up this year). I left for a few minutes to do something and came back. I found that JJ had gotten everyone off the bus (animal and Little People alike) and they surrounded the baby Jesus. The poor wise men had to fight their way back in (I walked up to see JJ trying to get the last wise man back in the circle). It was just such a beautiful statement that I had to take a picture of it. ***Side note*** - Check out that JJ has the angel on top of a present so that it can be above the scene.

I know JJ was just organizing his world of what was fun and important to him, but I can't help but think of the symbolic nature of it all. JJ had what was important to him right there and was giving it his full attention. He was trying to share it with one of the people who mean the most to him (and I had to run off to go do something - and don't ask me what it was because I don't even remember). What better way to celebrate life, take what is most important (the Saviour) add a little fun to it (the Little People) and share it with someone you love (mommy).

This makes me really stop and think about whether JJ is better at celebrating Christmas and living daily life than I am. He seems to have all the right ingredients and balances them wonderfully. In previous posts I have alluded to the realization that a Mother is (and has the responsibility as) the primary teacher of her children. I think another principle that goes along hand in hand with that is that for a Mother, her children are some of her primary teachers as well. I guess maybe I need a little bit more help than most, because I have four teachers!

Sanity Freak?

So last night I wrote down a schedule (actually more of a reward system for the kids to do what they need to be doing on a daily basis) to help keep us organized.  I made one for the three oldest kids each and myself.  It tracks different things like prayers, chores, exercise (which we can put a star on for completing that day).  Over breakfast this morning we discussed what some of the reward's could be for getting 10, 15, or more stars.  I came up with what I thought would be the "most desired" rewards - ice cream cones, slurpee's and playing at McDonald's playland.  The kids liked getting two extra games on the Wii.  (Except for Sunday, every night we play on the Wii for two games each.  It wasn't really set up for a reward system originally, but has turned into that over the months.)  Wow, I really liked that because it does not involve any cost, transportation, and it is something that I enjoy doing with the kids (you'll never see me on Playland - unless it is to clean up after a kid).

So this afternoon I am complimenting myself on a good job in creating this schedule/system (in full disclosure I give the credit of the idea to the Spirit as I did not come up with this, it simply popped into my mind, I do give myself credit for it only being there two days before I tried to implement it).  Then a thought occurred to me, I wondered if I was a "list freak".  You know, someone who writes things out on a list before it can be accomplished (to some degree I do this).  Then it hit me, I am a "Sanity Freak".  I am an extremely flexible person overall.  However, I do prefer that things are organized and communicated so that all involved can take their part in it.  I strongly dislike not knowing what is going on when my job is to prepare others for what is going on (think "Mom, are we there yet? or When is dinner going to be ready?)

As a mom, if I want my kids to do their part in something, it usually requires me to be a major support for that (keep in mind my kids are 6, 5, 4, and 1).  So any way that I can set them up for success, is less work for me.  After my day yesterday, we needed some serious changes to make the demands on mom less and allow the kids to step  up to their capabilities.  My kids are very capable, but not necessarily independently capable.  This schedule/system is an example of it.  I honestly expect that in a few days that my kids will be doing great once we get all the "kinks" worked out (found out this morning that I now need to put "getting ready for school" as an item to track because when they saw they needed to do two chores for the day, they immediately focused on that to the neglect of getting ready for school - Andrew almost missed the bus).

I know that sometimes I make the lives of those around me more difficult because I require knowing what is going on (when my children are around, if "no kids" I am able to not need as much info).  

I think protecting my sanity is part of my success as a Mom.  I realize that sometimes I need breaks from my kids, sometimes I need for my kids to better help out, and sometimes I need to step in a do it without my kids "help".  What I am hoping is that I still find a balance with it all and that I am enjoying it even though I know that I will have frustrations in the midst of everything.  So call me whatever you want, "List Freak", "Control Freak", "Freak" whatever, just as long as the important things are happening and my sanity is an important thing that needs to happen on a daily basis.

I'll let you all know how the schedule/system goes.

Prayer - Ask and you shall receive, seek and ye shall find...

I think prayer is a misunderstood and undervalued.  It is something that while it can be amazing and powerful upon first use, it can take a lifetime to develop.  I do not suppose to be an authority in any aspect of the gospel (with the exception of sinning, I can do that rather well), I do wish to share what I have learned through my own study and experiences of myself and others.

Prayer is one of the tools that God has given us.  If you stop and think about it, prayer does not "help" God in any way.  He already knows what is happening, what our thoughts and desires are (better than we do) and knows what would be the best solution (Matt. 6:8).  Prayer is given to us and required of us because it will help us.  So if it to be so helpful, why do so many people struggle with it?  

For me prayer is hard sometimes because it requires me to stop the world spinning and get off of it for a few minutes.  I just get going and planning on what needs to happen, how to meet my needs and the needs of my family and I just don't think to pray.  Other times when I do pray I struggle with focusing on talking with God and not drifting off to coordinating my day, remembering what I need to pick up at the store,...  But then there are the times that prayer is what I wish it could be every time I pray - peaceful, soul wrenching, awe inspiring, and full of answers and sometimes bringing questions as well.  Before we can really get into this aspect of what results from prayer, we really need to figure out what prayer is and how to use it.

In my bible dictionary under prayer it reads, "Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other.   The object of prayer is not to change the will of God, but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant, but that are made conditional on our asking for them.  Blessings require some work or effort on our part before we can obtain them.  Prayer is a form of work..."

I still remember the first time I read this definition.  I thought it was all wrong.  How could prayer be a form of work?  Pray is religious, spiritual - work is sweaty, undesirable, income earning...  So then as I reflected on it, there were a few thoughts that came to my mind.  Prayer, like work, can improve with practice.  No I do not "practice" praying like one might practice a piano (playing the same piece over and over again), but rather like one practices cooking or driving - by doing it.  And just like other activities that you practice by doing, prayer gets easier with consistent, educated prayer.  Consistent I am sure most can understand, after all God is a being (and I believe this is the very minimum of His description) and He would be best communicated with on a regular basis.  I feel that we should be communicating with God several times a day formally, and all day unformally (often called having a prayer in our hearts).  But how does being educated affect your prayers?  In the scriptures Jesus Christ commands us to learn of him and to read his word.  When you do this specifically looking for insights about prayer, it is amazing the things that you learn that affect how you pray and your understanding of how you get answers.  That is right, I believe and have received answers to my prayers.  I believe everyone can do this, but first let's look at some of those insights about prayer.  

Prayer is a commandment (Luke 21:36 ...pray always...).  Like all commandments, we are blessed for our obedience.

We are to pray in the name, mind, and will of Christ.  I understand this to be that He will most likely not answer my prayers to win the lottery or to cover my sins for me.  When we seek guidance and direction from the Lord, we have the most success when our actions reflect what we have learned of Him. 

Prayer works best when we understand our relationship with God.  I understand that He is our Father (Acts 17:29).  I repeat, I literally believe that He is my Father in Heaven who is the Father of my spirit.  I believe that I am His child and that we have a personal relationship with each other.  When I pray and remember this relationship, it becomes easier for me to focus on Him and to discuss with Him what is happening in my life.  

What is happening in my life?  Didn't I already say that He knows all these things?  Then why should I talk with Him about these things?  It helps me.  That is the point that I think most people don't get, when I pray sincerely - it helps me.  It  helps me to figure out where my weakness' are, it helps me to figure out how to work with my children, it helps me to feel peace (eventually, sometimes I takes me a bit of repentance first - this is a concept of the gospel that I am getting much practice with - see earlier note about sinning).  It also helps me get input from God.  It helps me to feel after Him (Acts 17:27).  Now when I say it "helps me figure things out" I don't suppose that I am directing myself.  Rather I have felt his guidance and influence in my recognizing my weaknesses and what I need to change.  

To me prayer is amazing, wonderful, and humbling.  I am thankful having been taught to pray and having learned (through study of His word and experience) how to benefit from it in my life.  It is in prayer when I have felt most His love surrounding and guiding me.

Mom's - what do they do anyway?

What does a Mom do? In my book, a Mom helps to develop, nurture, and strengthen a child physically, emotionally, and intellectually. The first time I understood about the job of a Mom I thought of a "pace runner". This is a person whose job is not to win the race, but rather who runs with the one seeking to win so that they will run at the right speed. Usually the pace runner doesn't finish the race because they used up their energy helping the "winner" run at the appropriate speed to keep their pace at the correct level to win. Pace runners and race winners usually train together. In high school I ran track. We did not usually have a pace runner unless someone was specifically trying to beat a record or qualify for state competition. Then coach would put someone (pace runner) who ran a fast shorter race along with the person striving to win the record. The pace runner would run his usual speed and duration falling out of the race about part way through (because their energy was used up). Then the competitor would continue at that speed.

The idea behind this concept is that the one trying to achieve a record is able to do it, but does not always monitor or push enough to do it on their own. When paired with someone who can show the way and push the runner, then the runner rises to their potential. This to me is one of the grandest responsibilities of Motherhood. It is to help others to reach their potential. It is to hold their hand, drive them to practice, or dare dream of what may be. Motherhood is not only how we help our children (and, let's face it, our husbands too) to reach their potential, but it is one of the ways how we as women reach our potential.  I don't think that Motherhood is restricted to women who bare or adopt children.  I have had a "Mother's" influence by a lot of women in my life that were not related to me, some of whom had no children of their own.  

When I think of pace runners, it helps to ease the weariness that I feel at the end of the day when my 1 year old is not quite ready to go to bed and I am.  I realize that my job is not to beat my children at running the race, but simply to be with them day in and day out to run along side of them, to help them achieve more and then to simply bow out and let them receive the accolades.

How do I achieve/do so much?

I actually get asked this question a lot.  Usually it is more of a rhetorical/complimentary tone rather than a true inquiry for understanding.  I have been thinking a lot about it lately because of the last person that asked me.  She is a woman that I feel accomplishes a lot and whom I respect. So here are so of the methods that I have realized upon reflection.  

I surround myself with good people.  By this I mean that I have been able to over the years build up friends and acquaintances that add positive things to my life.  My friend asked me this after I mentioned a conversation that I had at book club last week.  I believe her exact words were, "You are in a book club too?  You are superwoman".  For me this book club is extremely low maintenance.  It was started a few years ago by a couple of mutual friends that were Lit. majors in college.  Their goal was to find books that reflected this goal "seek ye out of the best books 'words of wisdom' ".  The idea of others finding books that I could read that would be uplifting and teach me wisdom appealed to me.  Over the last three years I have read over 40 books.  I would not say all of them taught me wisdom, but most of them have helped me to broaden my thinking and understand better what other people may think.  

Another method that I have is that I get involved in "high success or return" endeavors.  For me this means making a difference in the world around me.  A couple of obvious endeavors are being a mom and volunteering in the schools my kids are in.  A few not so obvious are educating myself in politics and advocating for Early Intervention.  These are areas that I initially felt inadequate in but as I have found avenues for educating myself in them, I have grown in confidence and ability.  Most of my education in politics has come from simply going to our once a month (Republican) district meeting.  During election times they have a lot of the candidates debate or talk.  They also usually go over propositions and we discuss what they mean and what they would influence.  This helps me to feel better educated when I go to the polls to vote.  In off election season, they will often teach classes about the Constitution, Bill of Rights and other such laws.  In Early Intervention I have been able to be educated in better understanding what is best practice and personally realized that families are often undervalued by themselves as to how important and able they are to support their children's needs.

I also (try to) go to bed early - 9:00 and get up early - 5:00.  This I have found works best for me.  It is hard to adjust to when I get off track, but it allows me time to prepare myself for the day before my kids get up.  I feel alert and rested when I do this.  Jeff, my husband, has to get up at this time for his work schedule, so it has the double benefit of being a sleep schedule that works well for him.  If I were to write a book on having a great marriage, it would include going to bed and getting up at the same time as your spouse.  I see that it has been a wonderful blessing for us. 

While these are not a comprehensive list, I think that surrounding myself with good people doing good things, educating myself while involving myself in my community, and getting enough sleep are a few of the more important ways that I accomplish a lot.  Most of all, I do not take on more than I can handle.  While I have always enjoyed being busy and involved in making a positive contribution, I have also learned that I can only do so much.  When I reach that limit, I let people know that I am too busy for any more.

The Magic Word

If you already read my Manners post, this will make sense.  Just a brief review - in my world (that I am teaching to my children) there are Good Manners and everything else.  Everything else would be classified as Bad Manners.  So where does the "The Magic Word" fit in?  

When my children have asked what "The Magic Word" is I tell them "Abra-Cadabra".  It works best when you are making something disappear.  To me "Please" is not magic, it is Good Manners.  There is nothing magic about Good Manners, it is simply a way to show respect to others and yourself.

I must confess that I have another dislike for "Please" being wrongly used.  I have had three children that have had serious speech delay challenges.  I have heard arguments back and forth about whether to teach children to use "please" and "thank you".  For those of you not familiar I will give you a brief update.  There are some in the disability community who feel that it is most important that their children be able to have Good Manners, even if that is all they are able to communicate in other ways.  I believe this is based off of the idea that at the very minimal your children will be respected for being respectful.  There are others that feel that specifically "Please" and "Thank you" should be taught only after your children have been able to sufficiently communicate their needs.  This thought process is that we don't want our child using "please" instead of communicating the actual need (instead of asking for a cookie, the child simply says "please").  For me I fall into the latter group.  My first concern was not my children having manners, it was communication.  For 2 years old my oldest daughter's only form of communication were two phrases, "Shut the door" and "Watch out".  This went on for 9 months.  I literally remember crying one day because I could not find a cupboard or hallway door to close (my usual reaction to her saying this was to close whatever was open and this usually resolved whatever it was that she was talking about).  She kept repeating it over and over again.  Finally I opened a door, just so I could close it.  That was a day I questioned my sanity (oddly enough I did not think to question hers).  Now three and a half years later, she can communicate all her needs as well as being a chatty little first grader.  She has excellent Manners including asking to be excused from the table after a meal (that one she picked up from somewhere else and brought it home).

So if you ask me what "The Magic Word" is, don't be surprised if I ask you where your Top Hat, Cape, and Wand are.

Non-manners, is there such a thing?

To me it is interesting that as I have had to think about teaching my children manners, I have had to redefine them.  I use to think of Manners as having Good Manners, Bad Manners, and a third category - Non-Manners.  

Good Manners meant saying please and thank you, asking if you "May I have ..." instead of saying "Can I have...".  I had been taught that one reason Manners are suppose to be used is so that all know what to expect and all are respected.  When I became pregnant and I felt like my hips were falling apart, I began to appreciate people offering a lady their seat in a crowded room or bus.  I never would have known why this would be so beneficial until I was the one in the situation.

Bad Manners was being rude: burping (in USA), farting, not thanking someone or asking politely for something, no saying "please", dirty looks, ignoring others in obvious need, etc.

Then in my mind there was "Non-Manners".  This would be neither Good or Bad Manners.  So while you are not saying please and thank you, you are also not being rude or disrespectful.  This would be the category that I would place most people in basing this off of 5 years of waitressing (yes, I made this word up - I know I gave that disclaimer in my bio.) experience.

Then I started teaching my children about manners.  I heard myself using  phases like "Remember your Manners" and "Don't forget your Manners".  This is when a little voice in my head (that usually has an obscure sense of humor says, "Those are manners, just not good ones.")  So then I switched to reminding my children, "Please use your Good Manners".    That was when I came to the realization that if I am encouraging my children to develop Good Manners (which I take as a responsibility of Motherhood) than what I always classified as Non-Manners is really Bad Manners.  I mean can you hear my saying, "Don't forget your Non-Manners.  This is one of the things that made me realize that in our society we become so accepting of everyone (because we do not want to offend anyone) that we end up making specialized categories that don't really exist.  Non-Manners ask Emily Post about that one, I bet she has never heard of it.

So I guess Manners now goes into the Black and White category of my life.

PS  In our house the "Magic Word" is Abra-Cadabra.  And it gets you nothing unless you make a floating person under a sheet disappear.

My mom and others just like her

I knew before I started this blog that this had to be an entry.  Many times we give credit to mothers in society - but what for?  When you ask someone what a Mom does, you will usually get at least 2 of the 3 following answers:  takes care of the kids, does the laundry, cooks.  Depending on the age of the child you will get wild cards thrown in like:  changes many diapers daily, chauffeurs the children around.  If a child had a medical or developmental need you will almost always get:  takes kids to therapy, schedules doctor appointments.

I have been a mom for almost 7 years, while a lot of those responsibilities were the most time consuming part of my job, they do not catch the essence of my job.  I have done a lot of pondering and evaluating on what my job entails.  A large chunk of this research was to look back at my life (and to ask my husband for his personal feelings about what his mom and what I do) and have a amassed a composite picture of it.  This entry will not detail all of it, but rather some of what I have gleaned from my mother and others just like her.

Like most people, I think my Mom is the best.  She did so much for me.  I don't think about diapers, laundry, or chauffeuring.  I think about the time she told me she would have to trust my judgement when as a sixteen year old I told her I was dating a 20 year old (what was I thinking?  As a side note, that confidence she voiced in me paid off when I found out what he was thinking and dumped him after the second date). 

I feel that my Mom has the gift of "faith to believe".  I never questioned if my Mom believed in God, believed we should do what was right even when it was inconvenient, believed that ours was to honor what we had promised God that we would do.  I learned from her that I did not need to know every little detail before you could have faith in God.  She gave me the opportunity to learn the gospel very young.  We had the scriptures in  a "reader format" (think comic book without all the "POW's or BAM's") that had tapes that went along with the words.  I loved laying on the living room floor and reading these.  

She also taught me that when things needed to be done, regardless of how undesirable, that you just do it.  I have done somethings that have surprised a lot of people -waiting tables in High School with no front teeth (due to car accident) being one example.  She taught me lying was never acceptable.  Hard work  is another asset that she gave me.  She has given me many other gifts, but the best is her friendship.  I can honestly say that she has been my best friend for almost two decades now (since I became an adult).

There have been other women in my life who have taught me wonderful things that to me rank right up there with the "Mom" category.  My Mother-in-law has been a great influence on me.  She has taught me to be more gracious and we enjoy discussing many contemporary topics.  There are many other woman out there who have influenced me over the years.  I still return to the idea that being a mother has nothing to do with laundry, chauffeuring, or cooking.  It has to do with patiently teaching the next generation how to take care of themselves and the world around them.  It may come in a package of cooking, cleaning, or chauffeuring but it is the teaching that is involved.  It is the talents that are developed in the process.

It has taken me a few years to appreciate this responsibility.  I spent sometime feeling lonely and depressed about motherhood.  Then I spent a few years feeling overwhelmed and desperately trying to stay ahead of the game.  Recently I started a search to better understand motherhood.  What are mother's suppose to do?  I knew it was more than cooking, cleaning, and chauffeuring, but what more?  Then I stumbled across an article that talked about Motherhood that was written in 1981 by Ezra Taft Benson.  He speaks of what is valuable about women and what our responsibilities are.  This for me was one of the turning points to me understanding and finally enjoying Motherhood.

As a final note, I know that I am breaking some of the English Grammar rules by capitalizing Mom, Mother, and Motherhood, but I do it as a form of respect for the position.  We would all do well to give a little more respect to Mothers.

Can you sit on a fence?

One of the things that you learn about children with Autism is that they are dreadfully honest.  This comes, I feel, from how they perceive things.  It is a black and white world to them.  They like order.  Everything fits into a nice category.  This is part of the reason why they line up cars - it gives the chaos order.  They simply know the rules and follow them.  In some ways this has been very nice as a mom.  They mind rules better than most.

They "call it like they see it" without regard to consideration of others feelings or perceptions.  My daughter would tell the other kids in kindergarten that they were breaking the rules.  She was not doing it to be self-righteous or to get other kids in trouble. She was merely stating a fact that she thought they should be aware of.  There is no judgement personally - my kids do not think ill of a person because they are not following the rules, other than recognition of them not following the rules.  Unfortunately, this did not help her make friends in kindergarten.

In many ways I share that trait with  my kids.  As I grew up and learned about the world, I learned what was right vs wrong and then stuck it in those categories in my mind.  I figured everyone made decisions like this.  I also assumed that if someone picked an option that was not the "one right" option  I knew, than they were wrong.  

When I did things that I knew to be wrong, I did it willingly and usually thoughtfully (sorry Mom and Dad).  I honestly thought everyone was that way.  Many times I would point out what was right or wrong based off of what people did.  It was motivated from a perspective of being helpful - they were not picking what I knew was right, so I pointed it out so they had the opportunity to make a better choice.  It was not until I was in my early twenties that I realized I alienated people by doing this.  To me, I was simply stating a fact, living what I knew to be right and what I should do.  I now realize that this is a fault of mine, not the choosing the right things to do, but the manner that I pointed out to others there mistakes or other possible right choices.  This is a fault that I have and still do work hard not to fall into.  Unfortunately for me, while my mind was not to injure, I look back and see that I did.

I still wonder though can you sit on a fence?  With my children the answer is no.  Things are black and white.   I often see people who do not commit to one side or the other.  Often in our lives we do not need to but there are many time that we do.  In ice cream, it does not matter if you like chocolate, vanilla, or both.  At other times it does matter. Having integrity, fidelity, being kind are all traits that should not vary depending on circumstances.  They are the way we define ourselves and the way that others define us.

Mom, you are the best!

As I thought about starting a blog I reflected on what was important to me.  It's focus had to be grand enough to share with the world (just in case anyone else reads it) and important enough that it helped even if I am the only one to read it.  The greatest thing about myself, and indeed the aspect of my personality I have struggled the most, is motherhood.  I don't think this comes naturally to me and I don't think that my ways are necessarily the best for all.  I do know that my path has worked and continues to work for me.  I know that I have great joy in being a mom and wish I had found this path earlier in my life.  

Why "Mom, you are the best!"?  This comes from my children.  One day I was trying to "jazz things up a bit" when I was teaching them to develop good manners.  So instead of reminding them to say, "Thanks, mom" I decided to have them say, "Thanks Mom, you are the best".  I actually tried other variations, but "Thanks Mom, you are the best!" is the one that stuck.  Now it helps me to have courage when I am cleaning up a toileting mess or doing the laundry.  The brightest memory I have of this is when I went camping with the kids (my husband had to work that weekend) and my 5 year old woke up at 2:30 in the morning so that I could watch him pee right where he stood.  It was very frustrating as I was exhausted from a long day traveling.  I really did not feel it appropriate (or have the energy) to have him clean it up.  I got busy to work and had clean clothes and bed for him, threw the wet clothes outside the tent (that will keep the bears away) and him back in bed in ten minutes.  As I lay there on the verge of tears resulting from being overwhelmed,  I heard a quite voice call out, "Thanks Mom, you are the best!"

Those are the moments that you can't explain to someone who is not a parent.  I know I did not understand when I was single.  I would have thought, "How cute!"  but it is more than that.  It is your child reliving a teaching that you have worked for months with him to develop.  Although he is too tired and exhausted to think about it, he still remembers to use good manners.  He still remembers to be grateful.  And I realize, that this hard work is not only flowing out of his tired mouth, but flows from deep within him.