long hair and gifted

This morning was the typical roller coaster ride at breakfast.  I have been looking for a way to describe JJ's "giftedness" in academics to him and the other kids.  JJ perceives it as he is smarter than the other kids his age/in his family.  When evaluating in specific areas (that the school measures) that is true, over all I don't know that he is smarter than others. 

To give you an idea of where he is on IQ, he ranks in the 99th percentile in all areas.  This means if you take 100 kids his age and rate them according to intelligence, he would be the 99th smartest kid in that group.  My understanding is that it is the "highest mark" that one can receive.  This is not a total surprise as I have had many teachers tell me that (even in Advanced Level Placement classes) he stretches the class/teacher to their learning peaks in lessons often bringing up elements to the lesson that are far beyond the typical academics for that age.  Also because our family is a multiplex autism family (meaning that we have multiple kids with autism) we have been involved in a couple of research studies that involved giving each member of our family IQ tests.  From this experience, we learned that both of our sons were advanced (JJ was given it when he was 3 years old, Andrew 5 years old at the time).  The evaluator would not share their score (that was part of the deal with the research agreement) but she told me that she was amazed to see both of our son's get up into the 8-9 year old range.  She also mentioned that she stopped testing him not because she thought he did not know the answers, but because he seemed to be purposely telling her the wrong answer to see her reaction.

We are in the middle of trying to figure out a better placement for JJ.  The school district has a self-contained gifted class room that they are starting next year.  It will be made up of kids that are gifted in all areas (that they measure for academics).  In many ways I think this will be fantastic for JJ.  We are waiting to see if he is accepted, hopefully we find out today.

Anyway, back to breakfast this morning, I looked at Anna and it hit me -- describe how length of hair does not affect femininity.  So I asked the kids, "Does the fact that Anna has long hair and I have short hair affect whether or not we are girls?" 
Right away Andrew chirped in, "Well, yeah, she is a girl and you are not, but it had nothing to do with hair.  She is young and you are not" (again with Andrew telling me I am old...what is with that kid?). 
OK, I forgot who I was talking to and did not choose my words as carefully as I should have.  "Alright good point Andrew.  Does our hair length affect our femininity?"
"No mom."
Back to my point I was trying to make, "Well, if someone thought that hair length was the only measure of what makes a girl, I mean female, than they might think that I am not a woman."  At this point I bring the parallel points that I was initially trying to make about being gifted.  We talk about how Anna and Andrew are gifted in piano/musical abilities, JJ is academically gifted in his learning style, etc.  I focus on how many people are gifted in different areas, but even if some aren't gifted that doesn't mean they are not smart.

Being with my kids, I feel like a world traveler who goes from Chicago to New York by way of the Ukraine.  I had never guessed how much teaching I would do as a mother.  I have a feeling that many of the things that I verbally teach to my children are due to their Autism/lack of ability to socially learn (picking up learning from watching others learning) sometimes called incidental learning.  I also recognize that this is part of the nurturing that society does not recognize as a major responsibility of parents, and specifically mothers.  It is trivialized to the point that as long as we find reputable sports clubs, high achieving schools or daycare that we are fulfilling that duty.  Somehow our job as parents is to help our children feel fulfilled and entertained.  I think there is a great underestimation in the need for these conversations and learning experiences with our rising generation.  It is the opportunity where we can develop skills, compassion, and wisdom within our children that takes an incremental development that can't happen when we are eating on the go, watching TV during dinner or in school.

I have achieved my ultimate plan...(Andrew)

...I only need to get 3 million more of these X-wing fighters and I can take over the world!

Mom (sitting in the front seat driving the car out of the Hobby Lobby parking lot) - So should I start saving more 40% off coupons for you?

Andrew - When I get home I can have my ice cream and sit down and start working on this model.

Mom - Uh...do you know what time it is?  It was 7:40 when we left.  Your bedtime is 8:00 dude.

Andrew - Lady put the pedal to the metal!

Mom (laughing and to herself) You are quite a character.  (Then I get flashes of my childhood memories.  Our pediatrician walking into the room and asking me a question to which I reply very matter-of-factly, but in a very untypical humorous way, and he chuckles, shaking his head saying to my mother, "She's a character, isn't she?"  My mom agrees.  Fast forward to being in the counseling office in high school preparing applications for college.  The guidance counselor asks me to describe myself so I respond that, "I am a character."  She gives me an odd look and politely asks me if I understand what that means.

Back in the car in Arizona, Andrew - I would appreciate it if you could make sure you are going the speed limit or slightly above it.


Side note - When I relayed this conversation to my husband, he smiled and commented, Andrew sure got his sense of humor from you.

but I am a good crocodile...

Rosi has lately been enjoying pretend play(one of my first children to do so, which is slightly unique because she is child number 5).  When she is in the bath she will often say, "I am a crocodile, but I am a good crocodile..."  She likes pretending she has a big old crocodile mouth by using her arms, but she never does anything menacing or hardly at all other than to state her "creed".

How a pig gets slaughtered by Andrew (10 yrs old)

We are sitting at the table eating cereal and Andrew starts having a conversation/monologue about something he has been reflecting on lately...how they slaughter pigs.

"Well, first I thought maybe they starve the pigs to kill them. (Mom thinking...ohh, that is horribly mean.  How inhumane can you be?)  But then I realized that if you starved the pigs, then they would lose all their fat and a lot of their muscles too.  (Me again...Wow, good analysis of how ineffective that would be).  So then I thought that maybe the froze them to kill them.  (Yep, it's me again...That would have to be a huge fridge.  And what would you do with a frozen dead pig?  You would have to defrost it to butcher it.)  So then I finally decided that they wait until the pigs are sleeping and sneak up on them and cut  their necks.  (Well, at least that is slightly more humane.)"

Afterward we had a discussion about slaughter houses and how they worked.  We even discussed Temple Grandin and her work on creating more humane slaughter houses (last I had heard she had designed at least a third of the slaughter houses in the US).  Temple is a Professor at Colorado State (?) and also has autism.  She is probably one of the most famous people in the Autism community.  She is a fun and informational lady to listen to, but definitely not a comedian.  She is very practical and such a great example.

Marriage

Well, I would expect that there will be a lot of discussion this next week or so about marriage.  For me it is simple, the government should stay out of marriage...completely.  Marriage is a religious sacrament (or ordinance, depending on your faith).  It has occurred for millennia through many different religions regardless of the government.  The United States government did not create marriage.  To me that means that it does not have the authority to modify it.  State and federal governments have given benefits to married people, not because they are married, but because they believe that married people benefit our government.  Often reasons such as stability and building up of the next generation of our society are sited for such benefits.  That may be true, but for me marriage is further reaching than that.

In the LDS faith we believe that parenthood and the right to procreate are important parts of our Eternal growth.  That these are merely steps in a much longer path.  We believe that it is a privilege to join in marriage and then afterward to join together to become one flesh, figuratively as well as literally.  We understand that on Judgment Day we will stand accountable to God, the Father (and His son Jesus Christ) for how we choose to join with God in the experience of Creation (birthing/having children).  This is one of the main reasons why LDS people don't engage in premarital sex (I understand this is a struggle for many, and some are not successful in abstaining before marriage).

We also believe that all children are entitled to a father and a mother.  We believe that God designed  genetics this way (requiring a man and a woman) because this is the way that God set up the standard for marriage.  I honestly believe that before God told Adam and Eve to go forth and "multiply and replenish the earth" that he married them, right there in the Garden of Eden.

Now I have been asked if love should not be enough to justify marriage.  To this I say no.  I believe that it is a desirable element to have, but I believe marriage should require other things before even love.  I believe it should require the commitment of both as a minimum for the rest of their lives (within the LDS faith you can choose to be married for your life as well as for all eternity).  I believe that they should share their standards and have the same vision of life.  I believe that they should share a desire to raise up a family.  For me there were several men that I loved deeply that I decided not to marry because while we had much in common, I  knew that beyond love we did not have what it would take to be successful in marriage.

Conversation with JJ

JJ:  I like lots of fruits and vegetables.
Mom (skeptical):  Really?  Cause I can only thing of one, no two that you like - Carrots and red delicious apples.
JJ: No, I also like bananas, Red Delicious Apples and Granny Smith Apples.
Mom:  Hmmm- that means you and Grandpa Williams have something in common.  You both like Granny Smith apples.
JJ:  Too bad his last name is Williams and not Smith.
Mom:  We actually have a great grandma Smith - Sarah Ervene Smith.
JJ:  Well then, she is our great, great, granny smith.  Hey, I have a joke.  What apple is related to the Red Delicious...the Granny Smith!


This is an example of me talking to JJ about healthy eating choices.  No wonder he still hasn't figured it out.  As his mother I am a college educated, street smart (by way of growing up with 5 brothers and 3 sisters...maybe I should call that big family smart) mother who can't have a conversation to reach a predictable teaching because having conversations with her kids (especially JJ) are more like using a roller coaster to go grocery shopping.